no more homeschool

I am not really happy about this decision.  It just seems like the way the Lord is leading and so many situations give me peace about letting go of our homeschool life.

I have loved doing homeschool for the last 16 years.  Thinking about homeschooling started in my high school days, in which a friend at church homeschooled her children.  I loved to see how their family interacted.  After I married Greg, I brought up the subject of homeschooling.  At first he dismissed the idea because the people he knew that had been homeschooled were so awkward.  Then he met a family that had been homeschooling and he noticed their family life and apparently changed his thoughts on it without really telling me.  So when Jasper was 4 and we experimented with homeschooling preK, I came to the conclusion that Greg was right before and homeschooling is not for me.  Then Jasper turns 5 and I'm thinking I need to enroll him in the public school (we were in Vilonia school district at the time).  About that time, Greg mentions that we shouldn't do that and we should try homeschooling Kindergarten.  

We moved to Conway schools that August that Jasper started Kindergarten and we also had Amethyst who was 8 months old.  There began 13 years of homeschooling and adding Emma and Amethyst and Jace as they reached Kindergarten age.  We tried a few co-ops and homeschool support groups.  We stayed longer with some.  We made tons of friends and family-friends that were not in our church, but were homeschooling along with us.  We did Bible Bees and Geography Bees.  We did dance and baseball and soccer.  We did AWANA and 4H and Brownies.  We did ok on the social spectrum.

Then Greg gets sick and one year later passes away.

That was Jasper's senior year and Emma's sophomore year.  Amethyst was in 7th grade and Jace 4th.  Isaiah hadn't started school grades yet.  We barely get by.  We really had a hard time finishing that year "as you can imagine".  We limped along at the co-op, but I wasn't helpful which I tried to be.   Everywhere were reminders that while all these family-friends of mine still had their daddies and husbands, I did not.  It was just too awkward.  I wasn't my usual happy self and folks backed away from me.  It seems like.  It seems like because I don't remember if homeschool friends did or didn't show up like at my house.  They tried to invite me, but when I went I just felt so out of place so I stopped going.  I don't remember how my kids did with their studies or if they learned anything; I just don't remember.

Then the next school year came around.  Jace would be going into 5th and Isaiah into Kindergarten.  It just so happened that my pastor's wife was a half-day Kindergarten teacher and one of the 5th grade teachers was a friend from before Jasper was even born.  Then, as I'm praying about what to do, someone anonymously offers to sponsor Jace's way at CCS.  He doesn't want to go, though.  He has enjoyed the homeschool life (as we all did) and he's afraid of what the other kids will say to him.  Finally, I just made him go.  

I thought I could continue to homeschool Amethyst and Emma.  Amethyst started to get behind as her 8th grade year progressed.  Emma had a few classes at the co-op and was keeping up fairly well there, but the school work she was supposed to do at home never got done because I wasn't mental available very often.  So we decided that the last year was Emma's second semester of her 10th grade year.  This year she's technically in 11th grade.

The cost to go to CCS is very hard to swallow.  Putting in both girls was really not considered.  Emma begged to be homeschooled, not to be with me, but to continue on the volleyball team.  Why?  I do not know exactly.  She's not their star player or anything and she doesn't hang out with any of the girls there.  So this year, I'm only doing a few things with her and the rest she'll make up at Morrilton.

I had some good discussion with Amethyst about going to public school.  She would start high school, 9th grade, at a school with 8th and 9th graders, so she would be in the older group.  She could do things like JROTC and art and theatre.  She would be gone all day :( and she'd have homework--real homework on a computer.  She was nervous but felt it was the right way to go.  I agreed.  This school change plan was working out. 

 But I wasn't happy about it.  I consistently get emails about homeschool life like deadlines to fill out the NOI and how to do math in 7 easy steps and the best books for a 5th grader to read aloud.  I had to unsubscribe from most of my homeschool email newsletters. When homeschool related news or ads show up anyway, it makes me sad.  That's not my life now.  When church leaders say "We're going to pray for teachers this morning, please stand up if you're a teacher." I can't I'm not I couldn't.  I couldn't do it.  I didn't make it.  I feel like a failure.  What would Greg have thought about my giving up?  Giving up--is that what I did? So I go back and forth as to whether I gave up or I did the best for my kids and that all along this was God's plan.

So Isaiah will never know what kind of teacher I would've been to him, and Jasper and Emma will only know what it is like to graduate as a homeschooler.  Jace is having to face middle school peer pressure earlier than his sisters and brother, but it is all going to be ok. Maybe.  Hopefully.  Lord, help me.

Books in 2017

Scarlet by S. Lawhead
Tuck by S. Lawhead
Legacy by James Mitchener
Accidental Tourist by Anne Tayler
The Little Prince by Antoine de St.Exupery
The Undistracted Widow by Carol Cornish
Blue Highways by William Least Heat-Moon
You Came Too by Robert Frost
Exploring Revelation by Philips
Martin Luther by Booth
Unfinished Tales by JRR Tolkien
The Last Thirteen by James Phelon
Children in the Light by Harold Myra
The Shining Face by Harold Myra
Intentional Walk by Rob Rains

Blue Highways

I finished reading Blue Highways. I found that I truly love travel books. They make me want to hit the road.
This particular book had me following the author (William Least Heat-Moon) around the US in an RV-like van. He went east from Missouri to the Atlantic Ocean, then south and through Texas all the way to the Pacific Ocean in Oregon/Washington and along the Northern states all the way to Maine and NY, NJ, etc and back West to Missouri.
My thoughts about his writing style focus on his extensive vocabulary and his extraordinary descriptions. Really good. I appreciated the lack of going after girls and the basic modesty he embraced. I noticed that the author himself rarely used profanity, even if the characters he came across in his travels did.
I also noticed the author and, mentioned in the afterword, his editor, considered themselves atheists, but only mentioned religion if it mattered to a character he met. My favorite was a monk he met in
Georgia. He had this to say:

"His answers were coming slowly. 'I try to take desires and memories of companionship--destructive ones--and let them run their course.  Wait it out.  Don't panic  That's when the emptiness is intense.' 'Is that it?'
'That's the beginning.  Then I turn the pain of absence into an offering to God.  Sometimes that's all I have to offer.'
'You mean what you've given up?'
'Does it seem like I'm giving nothing?' "

This quote, this person he met, really encouraged me.  Overall I enjoyed this book.

Be Yourself

So once in middle school some friends told me to "Be Yourself".
Apparently, I was a different person at school and away from school.  Ever since then, I always wonder why is that even a saying.  Sad, serious, silly, or studious are descriptions for different people right? They can also be descriptions of the same person.
My teen wondered out loud "How can I be myself?"  She's right.  How would a young person even know what that is--they are themselves.  They can be no other.  They are still trying to figure out who they are, what they like, what is good and what is not.
Sure, I will be myself whether I'm a sad at the moment or a typically sad person.  Label me "sad".
Normally I'm a silly person, but what about the days I am not in the mood--you know what I mean.  However, maybe I feel more comfortable acting silly when I'm nervous.  That is being myself, but it is not appropriate.
When I am myself, which is pretty much always, I can be described differently in different circumstances.  Like my personality or don't like it--I don't care.  Maybe that's where you are supposed to be for others to stop just saying "Be Yourself."

casualty

Were you a casualty of war?
Or a sure sign of victory?
Were you called home for His sake
Or were you called home for mine?

Will your absence be felt always?
Or will new growth fill the holes?
Should I attempt to rake up the pieces
Or let them lie until they become soil?

My plan was to keep walking
But being still is recommended.
Somehow in my mind I can both
Go to You while You come to me.

Mountain biking in the snow

I am so thrilled that I got to spend the afternoon on my mountain bike 🚲 riding Ender's Fault Trail North Loop. I have yet to get past the first uphill. Today I did the whole thing except for two tiny short cuts to catch up with my friends. Mountain biking is an activity I've been wishing to be involved in for some time. Greg at one time had bought us both hybrids which was good for him because he mostly enjoyed riding his bike as a means of transportation with the occasional off-road trip. When Emma needed a bike, I gave mine to her and set my heart on a mountain bike. I'm so glad I did. Today makes 3 official trails that I've completed (at least mostly).
1) Fern Hollow at White Oak Stae Park was my first.
2) Mt Nebo Bench Trail was 2nd
3) Ender's Fault at Woolly Hollow today

I'm so thankful I was able to go today. Thankful for my sweet girls who played with Isaiah while I was gone. Thankful for friends who invited me so I wouldn't have to go at alone. Thankful for another friend and her boy who waited up for me so I wouldn't feel so bad about not keeping up. Thankful I didn't get hurt. Thankful that it was so beautiful today in the snow.

Memorize

Hide the Holy Word in your heart.
When you get old, It will not depart.
You can remember what you memorize
Long after your family grows in size.

Those very precious words will come back
Just like pulling the groceries from the sack.
The Lord will show you where they fit
And you won't need to worry how they sit.

Be sure to wear that belt of truth
And don't let it get too loose.
It is the start of your spiritual armor
To protect, defend, and so much more.

Today we went to Arlington Cemetery.
We saw the changing of the guard 2x.
Isaiah went up to a soldier and said, "good job".
It was very sweet. The soldier shook his little hand
And said, "thank you."
Also saw 9/11 Pentagon Memorial.

Virginia

I'm testing my blog
       to see if it still works.
I have visited Mt. Vernon today. I bought beer as a souvenir.
       Storms are coming in VA.
My Yukon has a significant leak during rainstorms.

So I've signed up to sell Jamberry Nails. This is new to me. I've never tried to ask people to buy a product through me before.
  On one hand, it is fun to look and choose and wear the different designs. On the other hand, I'm asking folks to buy something that is not a complete necessity and I'll get some money for it.  I would like my friends and family to buy, but I don't want to pressure. I don't want "Jamberry" or "nail wrap" be the only thing I think about.
  I'm not sure how to look at it. One friend thought it could be her ministry. She makes a friend and prays for the friend and thinks about the friend etc etc.  My thoughts are 1) is that overdoing it for me, 2) am I being authentic, 3) am I only looking at them with dollar signs?

This will certainly be a new experience for me. I hope I do not offend. I hope I can still make true friends.  I hope I still have room in my thought life for family.

Rain Ride

Well that was an adventure. After Jasper's soccer game, we grabbed our bikes and went up to Petit Jean. Parked trailer at visitor center and started riding knowing it was going to rain.  We made it to Mather Lodge just before the skies open up. Hungry, we went on in to the ML restaurant for dinner. Nice, relaxing dinner and very yummy and very busy. I checked the souvenir shop for possible rain ponchos to buy. No, but they did give me some trash bags. Rain did not let up and it was getting late. We rode our bikes back to our trailer in the rain, dark and with hills and curves. Amé sang "Jesus Loves Me" because she was scared, and Jace fussed b/c he was cold and wet, even though he was least likely to be either.  He was one of the lucky ones who got to have a trash bag to wear.  Emma got to have the other.  Greg, myself, and Jasper suffered the raindrops and tolerated the soaking wet clothes.
   Let us remember this because when some nice guy offered a ride from Mather Lodge to our car, we politely turned him down in favor of just such an adventure.

On someone you love turning 40

So my best friend is turning 40. What do I say to him? You know, to cheer him up.
40 shouldn't look that bad.
It's like riding a bike, going downhill is more fun anyway.
We have made lots of memories together.
The rocking chairs at the old folks home are starting to look fun.

Maybe:
I'm so glad to be with you.
I'm so glad we didn't wait any longer to get married.
You have always been there for me.
You have been patient, kind, forgiving, and faithful all the years I've known you. At least half my life.

All your struggles affect me too. When you wish it could've been different, I do too.  When you need a change, I'm right there with you.  When you've wondered where God wants you, I'm praying that for us too. We are in this game of life together. You are not getting older by yourself, my very own dear. Not in the least.

Let's leave it all to follow our dreams. Let's climb mountains (that have cabins at the top). Let's go on long bike rides together. Let's do all the things we've always wanted to. Let's find someone to adopt the children so we can run away together. How's that song go "the children woke and couldn't find them..." Etc?   Well, maybe some dreams are irresponsible but I don't think it's too late for some them. Let's not think that way :)

Most of all, I want you to know that above all the people I know, I respect you the most, honor you the most, and love you the most. And you don't make it hard to do.

What's a blogger to do?

Going back, let's see where did this blog first come from. I remember when I first heard about what a blog was and thinking, "what a great idea--journaling online--FUN." It was in a homeschool magazine probably around 2005. Some homeschoolers had set up a way for us to "make" our own blog.  It was called homeschoolblogger and it was free :)

  

For a while I entered regularly and viewed many other blogs on this site. It seemed safe and comfortable.  I liked the feature "random blog" and when I would read someone else's blog, it felt like I was making a new friend.  Soon, though, I noticed the number of teens and Tweens utilizing the blogosphere. I'm not sure befriending teens and "peering" into their world was all that much entertaining to me, an old frumpy mother. But mothers felt it to be safe thing for their young to spend time doing. 

After a time, I moved my blog to its current address.  Life got busy, Facebook erupted, and so I seldom posted. If I remembered to post, it would take so long to format it all and make it how I liked it that I just gave up altogether. I could never read other's blog anyway, so why try.  Everyone seemed to be doing the Facebook thing anyway. 

Once I read an article about how to make a successful blog. I don't recall all the details of that article, but it did have one point that I was just tonight pondering. The article told its readers that to have a successful blog, you should have a focus-- you know, something you always talk about so readers know what you are about, how you can help them, what encouragement you can be, etc.  I realized right then why I'm not a successful blogger--I'm too random. No one wants to read random. Right?

Really I just needed to get off Facebook. Now that all my time is not focused there, maybe I can think of blog posts. That's my biggest hurdle--what do I have to offer anyway?   I can visualize blogs like different places to eat.  Some people don't like fast food, so why would they stop at a Mcds?  Some people don't have the money to eat at MichaelAngelos, so why go in there?  Some don't like coffee, so why go into a coffee shop?  However, there are times when you visit these restaurants for different reasons even if it's not regularly. 

 Blogs are similar. There are different reasons for visiting a blog.  Some people don't care about cooking, why read cooking type blogs?  However, someone might be looking for a specific recipe.  Some don't like travel, why might they subscribe to a travel blog?  Maybe it is personal like eating at home and you just want to journal your own life journey. That is going to be a blog with lots pictures if your family. Ok. Good. This just doesn't mean that's all you ever do.  I see my blog like a small café. So perhaps random is ok. There could be a time place for it. And I should stop trying to be so silly. Ummm, no that won't work either. 

Perhaps 2:45am is not the best time of day to make comparisons. 

Birthday parties

I get overwhelmed so easy, yet I keep putting on birthday parties. What is wrong with me?

So I have 5 children and they usually have a birthday ever year, right?  Well this here momma can't take the stress of throwing a party that any times a year, so here's my plan.

Starting when the child turns 2, each child may have a party on an even year of age.  This makes it so that my girls, who both have a birthday the week before Christmas and are three years apart from each other, won't have a party on the same year. I still have to "throw" a party every year around Christmas.  Fun.

Our process for doing the whole birthday party thing usually follows the same pattern.
First we ask the child turning an even age what sort of theme or toy they like.
Or we browse the various themes at Oriental Trading.
Most parties we have done at the house or at Laurel Park.
We usually invite whole families when the children are small. Most of the families we know are large. I try to make sure we have enough food. We usually have a cake, ice cream and some other things like chips and salsa or veggies and dip.
I have tried to have gift baggies or something for the kids to take home, but I usually forget to give them those things.
I like for the moms to stay, but most like to drop off and have fun without me. But I am ok with that. I just don't think about it too much.
I also think through some sort of a theme-related game to play, but sometimes it is ok if the children just want to play.  The children have only gotten violent and turned on each other a few times. No long term damage has been recorded.

There is really no reason to get overwhelmed with putting on a birthday party. Ok, so now what to do for my dear husband's birthday?  He'll only be a young 40 this year. An even number, so I ought to do something....

Up and coming freshmen

I've got a freshman in my house, under my roof, and eating my food. I question his time on the computer, his time outside, and his time with friends.

 I want him to understand programming and be good with stop motion, but I don't want him to only be about computers, games, and devices.
 I want him to be outside and do active things, but we will pay for being on a soccer team and giving up our family camping trips.
  I want him to establish friendships that are more natural for him, not who I would pick. He'll have to deal with good people/bad people all his life. I can only minimally encourage who he hangs out with and I can force no friendship. I can't even force my own.

So what will I do?  I will pray for him.  I will defer some of those hard decisions to Greg. Greg will pray for him. I will talk and Greg will talk to him about wisdom and being careful what we do, say, and see. Hopefully we will be good examples.

Merrisach Lake camp

First ever camping trip in July. Yes, it was hot. Yes, the bugs were as bad as I figured.
But the a/c in the pop up worked and the bug spray mostly worked. We were next to playground. That made everything so much more bearable. Even little bear could go around the playground with a sibling on baby duty. It turned out, well, nice, considering it was July 4th. Sad, though, we saw nor heard nary a fire pop.

Book discussion

Reading Will Medicine Stop The Pain?  I'm reading this as a group study, not because I'm particularly  dealing with any sort of life-stopping pain. I think the premise of this piece is apropos in today's culture. It seems that the majority of people suffering turn to medicine because it gives a quick answer to dull the emotional pain they feel.

I read a statement that was a great reminder about our future home. The author says, "The transformation will be so great that the trials you're facing right now will seem to you like nothing more than 'one night spent in an inconvenient motel.' " The author got that quote from another book that got that from Mother Teresa.  I am appreciating that visual image :)

No longer call me not even maybe

I am having a day in which I shall not be called, "mo-om!"  Nope. Not going to listen. I'm off.  Turned off. It won't work.
  If you have a concern, you may say, "madam president."  Otherwise, work out your difficulties amongst yourself. Oh, it's not working, you say.  Well, I'm still not going to listen to "mo-om!"

There is really only one child calling me that.  It makes me feel better to think I only have to ignore one. Somehow though, I can't ignore it.  I try.  He has one of those persistent personalities. Sweet, but persistent.  Usually he ends up in his room thinking about how now he must play alone. Or rather he's thinking, finally he can play what he wants with no interference. Or he stomps to his room with no indication of any "learning of the lesson" to not fuss.

This child broke the mold, messed up my great parenting skills, takes the most out of me, tries me the hardest, and yet I foresee great things from him. Remember this, Mo-Om, when he grows up.  He is a great leader even now. He may not do what I think best, but his life is God's. Like his namesake Paul, he may be trouble at first, but once he sees the light, he'll go where God directs, leading others to follow The Lord of all.  I just hope it doesn't take too long, or be too painful. For him.

AnniversarY Update

Trying to visit all 50 states on each anniversary:
'97, Honeymoon--Tennessee
'98, 1st--Arkansas (Eureka Springs)
'99, 2nd--California (Jasper came with us)
'00, 3rd--Arkansas (Siloam Springs) *
'01, 4th--Texas (Jefferson) (Emma came with us)
'02, 5th--Texas (Dallas) *
'03, 6th--Oklahoma
'04, 7th--Illinois (Ame' came with us)
'05, 8th--Louisiana
'06, 9th--Arizona**
'07, 10th--Ohio (pregnant with Jace)
'08, 11th--Kentucky
'09, 12th--Kansas
'10, 13th--New York***
'11, 14th--Indiana (pregnant with Isaiah)
'12, 15th--Mississippi (Isaiah came with us)
'13, 16th--Georgia
'14, 17th--(Mexico) ________________
'15, 18th--Wisconsin (bikes)
'16, 19th--Virginia (with whole family)


* Had not technically decided to visit a different state for the first 5 anniversaries.
** After we liked the idea, some years we could be gone on the exact date (June 14th). Other years we were already on an out-of-state trip during that year and used that state as one for the record, but as for the actual date, we probably went to Jade China and got a movie.
*** a Family trip and had to share with the children, but it was ok and had fun anyway :)

NOW Where to Next Year??

AnniversarY Update

Thinking of Georgia for our 16th.  We haven't gone yet.

Trying to visit all 50 states on each anniversary:
'97, Honeymoon--Tennessee
'98, 1st--Arkansas (Eureka Springs)
'99, 2nd--California (Jasper came with us)
'00, 3rd--Arkansas (Siloam Springs) *
'01, 4th--Texas (Jefferson) (Emma came with us)
'02, 5th--Texas (Dallas) *
'03, 6th--Oklahoma
'04, 7th--Illinois (Ame' came with us)
'05, 8th--Louisiana
'06, 9th--Arizona**
'07, 10th--Ohio (pregnant with Jace)
'08, 11th--Kentucky
'09, 12th--Kansas
'10, 13th--New York***
'11, 14th--Indiana (pregnant with Isaiah)
'12, 15th--Mississippi (Isaiah came with us)
'13, 16th--Georgia
'14, 17th--(Mexico) ________________
'15, 18th--Wisconsin (bikes)
'16, 19th--Virginia (with whole family)


* Had not technically decided to visit a different state for the first 5 anniversaries.
** After we liked the idea, some years we could be gone on the exact date (June 14th). Other years we were already on an out-of-state trip during that year and used that state as one for the record, but as for the actual date, we probably went to Jade China and got a movie.
*** a Family trip and had to share with the children, but it was ok and had fun anyway :)

NOW Where to Next Year??